Getting Married in Zion National Park.

How are you doing on your vows?

When you sit down to write your vows it is easy to feel overwhelmed. Some do not know if their vows will be “right” while some just do not even know where to start. So has do you make your vows be a meaning full connection and not just another task to be done and stressed over?  I am asked for help with this so often that I want to write a post about the advice I give my clients.

Easy way to making  your vows personal, simple, and not stressful.

Here are a few things to think about as you prepare to work on your vows. 

Write Before you Start to Write

In my experience all personal vows come in three basic forms but are usually a combination of two or three of these:

Love Letter= How much, what, and why I love you;

Story of a Journey= The physical and emotional journey you have been on both personally and as a couple;

Promises= “I promise to always be by your side…I will always make you soup when you are sick…. This may seem obvious, but still people get stuck. When you first sit down to write your vows do not start a final or even a draft of your vows. Begin by writing each of these types of vows as separate writings.  It will not feel like writing your vows and that makes it less stressful. After you have written these down walk away for a while before revisiting them to write you actual first draft of your vows.

A love letter.

People write personal vows to show their unique love for each other. At its heart, your vows are a love letter.  Write a love letter even a love "list". A list of things special to how you feel about him. For the guys I often tell them to just think about what you tell your friends when they ask why this is “the one”. It is easier for us to brag to friends than write a letter.

No partner is a perfect partner. We are all lucky our partner loves us with all of our flaws. Another part of the love letter is listing the things your partner accepts about you even if they do not like these things. Some examples are watching romance movies or having cold feet in bed. Simple things, we are having fun, not picking a fight. After you have something or a list in mind thank them for loving you in spite of these things. Some couples will keep this part to write an actual love letter to each other they read in private.

 A journey.

You have been on a journey personally and as a couple. Listing physical places you have been and lived helps spark great memories. But also think about your emotional journey. Where were you as a person when you met? In what ways have you changed? How has the relationship changed? Fears that you have overcome as a person during your relationship are great things to share. We all want to feel like we are a positive influence on our partner. Mentioning milestones like these express how the relationship influenced you, your gratitude for them, and your soft feelings about them and the fears and hard times they have gone through with you.

 A promise.

This seems simple but people also do not want to sound “canned” or “basic”. People feel like saying "I will be by your side in good times and bad" is not personal enough or is maybe even a copout. Because of course, every wedding says that stuff. But really personalized promises are a very meaningful thing to express and to hear. 

First think about them as an individual person. What are some of the small or big things you do that your partner loves. Promise to keep doing that thing. “I will always make you German chocolate cake on your birthday, even though I do not like chocolate”, “Even when we are old I promise to take you dancing”

Think about the small annoying things that they do that you have told them bother you. Like tapping their fingers, hogging the blanket, snoring, wanting the house to be too hot or too cold, not doing laundry "right", loading the dishwasher "wrong", or stealing food from your plate. Then promise to love them in spite of their quirks. This expresses how much you know them and accept them the way they are. Also, it can be kinda funny.

Remember to have fun with these lists and stories.

 Writing your vows.

Write these three things as separate things first. Only think about the one of the three you are working on. This helps draw more out of each one.  It is good if each of these three parts are long-ish. You do not have to put them all in your vows. So let the lists flow without worry about how they will be used in the vows.

After you have this much done it is time to combine them. But first take a break and walk away from writing. Then return and read what you have few times. You may feel led to add aspects or elements, or you may feel good with what you have. Resist feeling like what you have is not long enough, good enough, or "not right". If it is how you feel and true to your relationship it is long enough, it is good enough, and it is "right".You can mention things from the love list as they happened during the journey. You can add the rest of the love list after or before the journey. Then it is always good to finish with the promises for the future. The promises are the true "vow" part of the vows.

Formats or structure is not needed in personal vows, but they can be a great way to start laying out what you want to say. A simple format to use starts with the journey you personally went through to fall in love, then goes into a love letter about the things and ways you love your fiancé, and then end with the promises you want to make to your fiancé. Start super short and build it up as you feel led. Pick two or three things about your "journey" (the section here or any other aspect of you falling in love) that mean the most to you. Then pick two or three things that you love about your fiancé. Then end with a few short promises you want to make.

After you have this much done take a break and return to it reading it a few times. You may feel led to add aspects or elements, or you may feel good with what you have. Resist feeling like what you have is not long enough, good enough, or "not right". If it is how you feel and true to your relationship it is long enough, it is good enough, and it is "right".

You can always add to your vows. More than half of the time one or both of the couple are writing in their vow books the last hour before the ceremony. Sometimes the last minute. You can always polish your vows. Do not feel bad if are adding the day of your wedding.